There’s something uniquely American about fast food. Gorging on mass produced food with no regard for your general health is one our most time-honored traditions. Fast food companies have been taking advantage of our hearty appetites and large waistbands for over half a century. Much like the American obesity epidemic, menu items have recently gone from “pretty unhealthy” to “extremely dangerous” category because…progress. It seems that fast food companies have been taking it a step too far as of late. If you play God eventually you’re going to end up with Frankenstein’s monster. These nonredeemable abominations are plaguing our great nation and must be stopped! Thus I present to you the best of the worst fast food abominations.
8) Wendy’s Baconator
Wendy’s is like the Ted Mosby of fast food restaurants – pretentious and unrelentingly annoying. Oh, you make your burgers square? Good for you. Oh, how healthy of you to include baked potatoes and salads as a side. Wendy’s flies under the radar but trust me – the Baconator is an ungodly creation. This double cheeseburger is covered in rubbery cheese and poorly microwaved bacon and clocks in at close to 1,000 calories.
7.) Burger King’s Halloween Whopper
This is Burger King’s first entry in this list, but I assure you it won’t be its last. It takes someone with impaired judgment to choose a Whopper over a Big Mac. That must’ve been what Burger King’s executives were thinking when they introduced the Halloween Whopper. Look at that atrocity….a black bun? Relying on gimmicks is never a good marketing strategy. Bonus points for messing with people’s poop. At least Burger King learned from their mistake, right?
6.) Burger King’s Angriest Whopper
Oh, Jesus Christ. This looks like something out of a Guy Fieri fever dream. Kudos to Burger King for doubling down on a failed gimmick. Why won’t someone please think about the poops? Also, this is best example of expectations vs. reality since 500 Days of Summer.
5.) Arby’s Smokehouse Sandwich
Arby’s has long drawn the ire of The Simpsons, Jon Stewart, and Twitter. Unlike Wendy’s, Arby’s isn’t afraid to call a spade a spade. It’s refreshing to see a fast food company openly prey on the shameful, gluttonous nature of its customers. So it was a matter of time until they released the Kraken upon the fast food world. Their newest abomination is a mashup of meats, cheeses and artery clogging juices. As Jon Stewart says, “The meal that’s a dare for your colon.”
4.) Burger King’s Whopperrito
The Whopperrito is like the result of a sloppy one night stand between Taco Bell and Burger King. There’s immense shame involved, neither party is really happy about it, and you hide it from your friends. Burger King, we get it. You like the Whopper. That doesn’t mean you need to include it on every half-assed attempt to get stoners into your restaurants. For a full review, I recommend reading Vice’s take on the Whopperrito, in which he likens the disassembled meal to the dissection of a Facehugger in Alien.
3.) Taco Bell’s Quesarito
Taco Bell is probably the most polarizing of fast food restaurants. Some people despise the company’s utter lack of respect for food and customers. Other (mostly drunk) people find their concoctions to be pieces of art. Taco Bell isn’t afraid to experiment with crossover items, whether it’s with the Loco Taco or Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Then there’s the Quesarito. According to Taco Bell’s website, “The first rule of burritos is that burritos are best when they’re also quesadillas. Hence why the Quesarito exists.” No, Taco Bell. Just no. At this point, they might as well start taking menu items straight from SNL skits.
2.) Cheetos Chicken Fries
Chicken Fries are objectively delicious. As a child, chicken nuggets and fries was like fucking filet mignon. So when Burger King decided to merge the two it only made sense as we were predisposed to love them. Nevermind that chicken nuggets are still probably made out of some variation of that pink slime. Chicken Fries also get bonus points for being hard to find. Much like the McRib, this abomination was rolled out on a limited basis. Or juuust long enough for people to get addicted without realizing the full effects on their health. So you can imagine my surprise when a Cheetos Chicken Fries commercial popped up during Monday Night Football. Well played, Burger King.
1.) KFC Double Down
Once dubbed the “Unhealthiest Sandwich Ever.” I’m surprised this sandwich hasn’t been brought up during this election cycle as it is clearly one of the top 10 biggest threats to America’s safety. I mean, just look at that thing. Colonel Sanders is a monster. I like to imagine him sitting in hell with the devil force feeding him Double Down Sandwiches, Homer Simpson style. Let’s also take a look at their marketing strategy:
The faux customers are even aware that they are ignoring all reason by eating this sandwich. I’m 100% certain that this sandwich is behind the recent spike in obesity. It’s even spawned an equally evil spinoff – The Double Down Dog. With more insane items popping up on menus nationwide, the Double Down’s time on top may be numbered. But for now it’s the king of kings.