Something magical happened in the third quarter of the Packers-Colts game on Sunday. The Packers were in the midst of another stalled drive. They were losing to a bad Colts team at Lambeau Field. The drunken fan base, usually merry and blindly optimistic, was lifeless. It was not looking good. Then, just in the nick of time, a hero arrived.
The Packers Squirrel! This shifty rodent was the topic of discussion among the announcers for the better part of 10 minutes. After a brief appearance on the sidelines, the rally squirrel unleashed chaos upon Green Bay. It sprinted, weaved in and out of traffic, and found the end zone multiple times. It was the greatest, most dramatic squirrel chase since Christmas Vacation. And the crowd went NUTS.
As we all know, the squirrel rallied Rodgers & co. to a late victory. Just kidding. The Pack lost, the squirrel was captured, and everything sucks. Naturally, this was a feeding ground for social media. My Twitter was filled with countless jokes about the Packers signing a new speedy running back. Hey look, he’s so fast!
Though the squirrel failed to rally my beloved Pack, this got me thinking. What other animals have wreaked chaos on professional sports? I felt this was an opportune time to investigate. In no way was this an effort to distract myself from the collective failures of my favorite sports teams this year. Thus, here’s a definitive and scientific breakdown of the best sports moments featuring anarchistic animals.
The (Original) Packers Squirrel
Ahh, how quickly the public forgets. Just one year ago, a squirrel wreaked havoc during the Packers-Vikings game in Minnesota. Joe Buck was overly amused and the Fox team dedicated a slow-mo montage of the squirrel before a commercial break. Come to think of it, the Packers squirrels look remarkably similar…
The (Original, Original) Packers Squirrel
I didn’t set out to launch into some crazy conspiracy theories, but this is getting ridiculous. Back in 1994, Lambeau Field was once again terrorized by a squirrel during a Packers-Bucs game. The footage is hard to find, but there are multiple accounts of said squirrel’s presence. This raises myriad questions. Could this be the same squirrel? Is that even possible? What’s a squirrel’s life expectancy anyways? Is this from a family of squirrels that have set out to terrorize the NFL? Is this the work of same crazed squirrel lady a la Rat Race? Did Brett Favre have something to do with this? He is a pranskter you know. Or did he torture and kill the poor creature like it was a deer?
It appears I’m spiraling out of control here. I’ll move on.
The San Antonio Spurs Bat
This is my personal favorite. As a Suns fan, the Spurs are the NBA’s equivalent of pure evil. It only makes sense that a bat, famously the symbol of vampires, were to find its home in the AT&T arena. Not only that, but Ginobli straight up swatted the bat during a live broadcast. Did Ginobli get bit and begin his slow transformation into a vampire? It’s hard to say. It would explain his agelessness and his feeding on the blood of the innocent.
The Monday Night Football Streaker
Okay, this is cheating because clearly this fan is not an animal. But drunkenly baring it all and streaking during a nationally televised game is about as close as a man can be to releasing his inner animal. This streaker also salvaged the dreadful 49’ers-Rams game from being a total snoozefest. Bonus points for the magnificent play by play call from the legendary Kevin Harlan.
The Randy Johnson Bird
In the history of baseball, this is the only documented occasion of a bird being hit by a pitch. Adam Wainwright came close this year, but the legendary Randy Johnson actually destroyed a bird in the path of his fastball. I like to imagine the bird’s complete combustion sent him into a different, alternate dimension a la Stranger Things. One where the Diamondbacks are still winning games. (Sigh)
The Bubba Watson Ant Hill
Bubba Watson shanked a shot during the PGA Championship. The shot conveniently landed on an ant hill. The ant hill was actually a giant hole in the ground and looked as if it was created by the Caddyshack gopher. Alas, ants are not technically “burrowing animals” and, unfortunately for Bubba, he wasn’t granted a drop. The ensuing argument with the rules official was hilarious. It was also a reminder that Bubba Watson’s general assholery basically makes him Judge Smails in real life. Which I guess would make John Daly Rodney Dangerfield. God I love Caddyshack.
The Lowery Seagull