Last night, the country collectively tuned in for a momentous occasion in American history. No, I’m not talking about the DNC. I’m talking about The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All.
The Bachelorette is an ongoing psychological experiment to see what happens when 20 men live together and pursue the same woman. Currently ranked a 2.9 out of 10 on IMDB, the formulaic show features one villain (Chad), a clear front-runner that is either an athlete or personal trainer (Jordan), and an All-American guy who eventually gets his heartbroken and becomes the next bachelor (Luke.)
Last night, the men gathered for one last hurrah. This is normally a chance for the suitors to get closure with the bachelorette. They argue, jest, and seek psychiatric treatment from the grossly unqualified Chris Harrison. This time, however, the special devolved into what can only be described as rock bottom for the male species.
The show starts with Chris Harrison’s tantalizing promise that tonight’s episode will be the “most shocking” and “drama filled” episode in Bachelorette history! He then introduces the men one by one. One dude is wearing a kilt. They talk about how JoJo broke their heart and that they seek closure. This is all leading up to the “moment we’ve all been waiting for” – the return of villainous Chad.
During the Chadpocalypse, Chad sits in the hot seat while the rest of the men berate him. We get a clip of Chad’s Greatest Hits, which include him eating various deli meats, claiming that milk is delicious, and guzzling protein powder. His alpha status has never been higher. Chad reveals he is dating Grant and Robbie’s ex-girlfriends. Accusations are made that both men dumped their significant others to come on the show. This revelation is intended to be deeply troubling. The men quickly devolve into neanderthals as they lash out at Chad. The guy who dressed as Santa says come at me, bro. Chad does not take the bait.
Wells, the Nick Carraway of the group, compares their treatment of Chad to Piggy in Lord of the Flies. Post Chadpocalypse, the group quickly turns their anger to a new target, Derek. Derek is referred to as a “pussy willow” and is mocked by the cast for his emotional weakness. It’s basically that South Park episode where Bebe’s boobs destroy society. Except Bebe is JoJo and society is their chance of future employment.
Chris Harrison then interviews Luke and Chase, the most recently eliminated contestants. Let’s talk about Chris Harrison for a second. The guy works at most 45 minutes per week. His job duties entail recording commercial promos, handing out date cards, and reminding contestants when it’s time for the final rose. This week, he is forced to work two full hours to host the show and give out unsolicited dating advice. His net worth is also $10 million. This dude has an all time best gig, along with Anthony Bourdain and the delusional Guy Fieri.
Luke talks about being blindsided after he was booted mere seconds after telling JoJo he loved her. He affirms he will love again as wine drunk women across the nation shout to their TV’s “he should be the next Bachelor.”
We then move onto Chase. He recounts how he too was dumped literally seconds after telling JoJo he loved her. He admits this was the first time he told a woman he loved her. Bonus sympathy points go to Chase for being dumped in the fantasy suite, meaning he was very close to show sanctioned coitus.
JoJo emerges to respond to the men’s questions. This should be juicy! Santa guy starts by thanking JoJo for being wonderful. James Taylor talks about how much he admires JoJo. Luke and Chase tell her no hard feelings. Alex, also dumped by JoJo for saying he loved her, wishes her the best. JoJo has no remorse. The men are now conditioned to believe that opening up and revealing feelings will lead to pain. They are now more emotionally crippled than Dennis Reynolds.
We cap off the show with a sub-par blooper reel with literally zero fart jokes. Chris Harrison shows us previews for next week’s shocking finale.
The real question of the night is where will these contestants go next. They have now joined The Bachelor fraternity including such legends as Ryan Schnozling, Nick Viali, and Juan Pablo. Emotionally damaged and unemployed, their options are limited. Some will go back to desk jobs and try to readjust to society. Many more will join other past contestants on Bachelor in Paradise.
The Bachelorette has shown me the fragility of society. Men are willingly given coiffed up haircuts, a suitcase full of v-necks, and shipped off to a mansion with no access to the outside world. In their quest for more Instagram followers, they turn on each other, suffer emotional damage, and destroy any chances of readjusting to normal adult life. Despite being humiliated by JoJo in front of millions, they continue to adore her in what can only be described as Stockholm syndrome.
And yet, we continue to worship these false idols. I fear of a dystopian future where all men group date the same woman only to be abandoned in isolated locations. With ratings continuing to surge, there seems to be no stopping this enthralling tale of the downfall of the American man.
Then again, they’ve given us Bachelor in Paradise. Bless you, ABC.