Death. Taxes. Christmas movies. Those are the only things guaranteed in life. These days, it’s tough to get through the holiday season with just your annual viewing of Christmas Vacation. Between the NBC specials, Freeform’s “25 Days of Christmas” and the endless barrage of Lifetime movies the Christmas movie onslaught is impossible to avoid. When the dust finally settles on western civilization, future generations will look upon our DVD’s and marvel at our commitment to holiday cheer. Christmas was our religion and Tim Allen our almighty overlord.
Christmas movies may be a cash cow, but they have a tendency to derail with some pretty flimsy plots. I’m not even talking about Santa, his elves, or holiday magic put on display.
Rather, I’m talking about truly messed up moments in these movies. The moments that might have made sense when you were a kid but have serious legal or psychological ramifications for its characters. Here are the most glaring examples of holiday cheer gone awry.
Home Alone 2: All the Adults’ Behavior
Let’s move past the glaring “Kevin McAllister is a sociopath theory”. Sure, he may sadistically torture two inept crooks for the better part of two movies, but can you blame him? Every adult around him is insane. The Wet Bandits are trying to murder him. Tim Curry and Rob Schneider are trying to kick him to the streets of the America’s largest city. His parents are so negligent they forget him on a second family trip. The lesson of this movie essentially boils down to adults are evil, except for homeless pigeon ladies in the park. You know there’s an issue when the most stable adult in this film is Donald Trump.
The Santa Clause: The Kidnapping
Ahh, Tim Allen. America’s favorite drug dealer delighted families across the globe with his portrayal of Scott Calvin – a high strung father reluctantly taking on the role of St. Nick. During his identity crisis, Scott/Santa loses control of his waistband and his estranged son Charlie. Shockingly, the film ends with Scott kidnapping Charlie on Christmas Eve. Really, Scott? Kidnapping your son on Christmas Eve? The entire third act revolves around Santa and his elves trying to outsmart the SWAT team. And then your wife just forgives you? “Not over any oceans, Scott!”
Jesus! That’s all you have to say?! Am I the only one who sympathizes with Neil?
This movie is also notable in that it paved the way for Tim Allen’s string of successful Christmas movies – including The Santa Clause sequels and the unwatchable Christmas with the Cranks. Truly terrifying, indeed.
Jingle All the Way: The Creepy Neighbor’s Advances
Jingle All the Way is a cautionary tale of consumerism for the modern man. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s unrelenting quest to get his son a Turbo man action figure is filled with horrible consequences. Along the way he incites a mall riot, uncovers an illegal toy operation run by mall Santas, and unleashes Sinbad upon an unwitting American audience.
But none of this compares to Phil Hartman’s creepy neighbor, Ted. Ted’s constant attempts to cuckold Arnold are intended to be a source of amusement for the audience but come off as super creepy. Just take a look at this scene:
Cookie is a clever euphemism and it’s hilarious hearing Arnold try to pronounce it. But don’t be fooled. Ted is a heartless leech. He’s willing to destroy a family and risk being murdered by an unhinged Arnold Schwarzenegger all for sexual gratification. You know, family movie stuff.
Also, here’s a fun fact from IMDB:
Oh, what could have been.
I’ll be Home for Christmas – The Attempted Murder
I’ll be Home for Christmas is possibly the worst Christmas movie of all time. The movie is filled with bad acting, thinly drawn characters, and a nonsensical plot. Notably, Jonathan Taylor Thomas being cast opposite Jessica Biel. Still, the true head scratcher in this movie is JTT being left for dead in the desert. We often forget about this. JTT’s smarmy character gets into trouble with a couple of jocks for his failed attempt to help them cheat on a test. They confront him at a party and then the movie cuts to this…
They literally left him for dead a la Vince Vaughn in True Detective. At one point, a vulture begins to follow him as he desperately clings to his will to live.
Of course, JTT is saved in the nick of time from impending death. Rather than report an attempted murder JTT immediately begins his quest to get home, reclaim Jessica Biel’s affections, and win his daddy’s Porsche. Murderous college students – not just for horror movies anymore!
A Christmas Story
Nope, nothing wrong with it. Except Scott Farkis.
What a dick.
Christmas Vacation – The Kidnapping
Are we all going to ignore the kidnapping? Plus, even if Clark wasn’t fired because Brian Doyle-Murray had a come to Jesus moment… wouldn’t it make sense that Eddie would get in trouble? Look at the murder in his eyes. Plus, Clark hates Eddie. Wouldn’t he lobby his boss to press charges? The man has terrorized his family vacations for decades! Cousin Eddie should have been put away before he caused any more irrevocable harm.
Love Actually – The Wisconsin Scene
Look, I love Wisconsin. Every year I make an annual pilgrimage to the mecca of cheese and brats. Having said that, there’s literally a zero percent chance that a random dive bar in Appleton has women looking like Elisha Cuthbert and January Jones in it. Nor would they engage in group sex with an awkward Brit mere minutes after meeting him.
Odds are the man passed out drunk outside of some dive bar in Kenosha and this was a hypothermia induced dream. Surely the British don’t just think of America as just full of easy women and snarky political figures!
I’m sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. With so many Christmas movies at our disposal, there’s bound to be more deranged moments. I haven’t even seen Fred Claus for God’s sake! Or Surviving Christmas! Just a quick Google search of the movie shows Tony Soprano attempting to murder Ben Affleck. I mean, look at this gem:
Christmas movies are great!